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a truly happy hallow’s eve

The scarf is complete. Pictures and details to follow in a day or two. I'm happier with the end result than I'd expected.

Tonight will be fun for once. I think.

sickplode

That was a terribly restless night of feeling half-awake. The night isn't so cold again, the window is almost shut, the room is a bit warm. It feels like a summer morning, oddly.

I've been missing the summers of high school during last night. I kept having this feeling that it was so beautiful and sunny and warm and the day was wide open to do things. And that I'd go out with my friends.

I never actually went out with friends. And I worked full-time junior and senior year. Sophomore year is vague – there was two weeks here at UIUC with Andrew. Freshman year, I sat indoors all day watching television (Olympics). Much like this past summer, except that I lifted weights regularly in high school.

I think it's the driving around in Springfield I actually miss…partly the weather, partly listening to dubs I made of my rap CDs. There's something else I can't pin down.

Actually, I realize it now. It was the naivity involved, of not being aware of things and not thinking remotely of the future.

Peace of mind. It was that peace of mind that let me enjoy the boring, simple shit.

possibly three

Definitely two.

Aesop Rock. Kid Koala.

Ear candy.

I am flying from the wench's sight
the wench's hand packed a mighty wench's might –
she got her right to vote,
broke free from the broom.
I didn't dote on this outcome
when I heard; I was casket shopping for myself.
when I stepped outside, they attacked my pride
said I was a man and should be banned
thence came her hand.

Definitely.

f-ck-ng golly gee!!

I'm actually getting a C in cs373!!!! !

Getting into and contributing to a homework group is the smartest thing I've done. I shouldn't have been so stupid last fall. Especially since one of my roommates was in the same class.

Live, learn, be happy when seeming failures turn out to be successes. There's a content little storm brewing within my chest.

Hitler should be alive to kill spammers

Meaningless, useless pages get the #1 spot.

another calling?

I'm actually missing journalism right now. The act of doing some research and putting my own touch to the findings into an enjoyable story is appealing, sadly.

How do I do it and not work for the Daily Illini? Do I take initiative and scout for and write on potentially interesting stories out of my own free will?

Interviewing could be fun, when I tell them I'm doing this only because I want to. Interviewing is the perfect way to talk to strangers, I tell myself.

Meh. I need to taste coffee now.

erratic means of expression

I've been feeling weird for the last, oh, hour. Restless. Something. I don't know.

I've finally put up my second shelf after two months of it just sitting atop my plastic bookshelf. It rests above the foot of my bed, on the side of the window. Two of the newly designed Krannert mugs – blue and red – which Toby kindly stole for me, are the only things that decorate the shelf at the moment. And this is only because I unthinkingly drilled the holes too high initially.

I've completed my 1001-song playlist of new MP3s. Groups and artists I've come to enjoy:

– A Tribe Called Quest
– Living Legends
– Zion I
– Talking Heads
– Cat Power
– Grandaddy
– Low (in moderation)
– Idlewild
– Kyuss
– Mirah
– Pavement
– Slayer
– Songs: Ohia
– The Pixies
– The Rapture
– The White Stripes
– Xiu Xiu

And the only reason I've bolded Xiu Xiu is because they made me laugh outright. Even if it wasn't their intent. They're just so…ackward at times. Like fits of nervousness hit them. It resonates with me. I like it.

And I could feel my heart taking gulps earlier. Not that there's any air in my veins, but there's plenty of blood. Blood to let.

noise

They're back.

Not for everyone!
For madmen only!

why does the pendulum only sway forward in the fourth?

Rentertainment is having a sale on all their anime VHS tapes, so I now own all the Area 88 movies for $12.50. If I took a chance and waited until this Saturday, they'd be 3 for $5, but these are too precious to wait for. Fist of the North Star is next.

Things don't always work out, even with the best intentions and patience. Utter blasphemy.

I suggested to Andrew that they offer a course in womanizing assholes. Girls would flock to me then (assuming I passed).

Also,

there's this.

heed!

I have to go now. Destiny's path is forking, and I don't know where the headlights are? That, and someone stole the last of the cookies for the trip. So I have to turn around again anyway.

Kim Bauer gets hotter each season

Yeah, tonight's 24 gives me high hopes for the next 23 hours.

get yourself together,
get yourself together,
shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake!
…
out
of
the
races
and
onto
the
tracks!
 
punishment!
 
in higher places!

Backing up 16 gigs of DiVX files won't be an easy task with regular CDRs. Nor will redoing the last 10" of my scarf be more fun than the first time it was knit.

academic update in-a-flash

ONE My ECE lab partner Kevin and I are ridiculously good at getting the right results and finishing eons before everyone else.

TWO The median score for the cs373 midterm is 51 (out of 100, since the highest score was 90 out of 120). Prof. Ramos has decided that the median grade is worth a D, not a C as past semesters (or other classes) traditionally do it. Nearly 25% of the class will fail if this doesn't change. I'll drop out of college if I have to take this a fourth time. Fuck a diploma.

Hurray.

ah! damn me and my habits

I often leave my main pen uncapped and laying around. This has led to ink-spot bleeds on undershirts, pillow covers, bed sheets, and now, sadly, my lovely green comforter. I hope – but highly doubt – I can remove most of it.

Tragedy. Frowny face with a single tear.

fat dogs can’t fly

By switching the positions of my fan (next to computer) and halogen lamp (next to corner), I've effectively brightened the work area of my room. I can also easily switch the lamp on and off, since my bed poses no threat as a barrier.

Old layout. Note the initial positions.

So many pretty days are coming and gone by. Why don't I feel like I belong outside?

engineers have no design sense

I'm still holding on to a grudge that dates back nearly two years ago, during the fall of 2001. It has to do with two design contests: one for the cover of the E-Book, the other for a logo for EOH (summer of 2002). Some of you might still remember this.

My submissions were as follows:

beauty

cute

The E-book cover was the first print project I've done, likewise for the EOH logo being the first serious logo (the header and footer are obviously not part of the actual logo). They're not the greatest, but, for a beginner, I think they turned out well. (Thanks in part to Ryan with the cover. Coincedentally, the way I placed the text for the years on the E-book cover are similar to how he had his pages numbered in his own book, I believe.)

Anyway, I put in serious effort and hours into these things. And they both lost. To total, effortless, bullshit. I only have an example of the logo that won. I can't find my copy of the old E-book, but if you could take this image and extend its theme to a cover, you'd get an idea of what crap it looks like.

I don't like when my work gets overlooked for subpar things. I deserved to win, and the people that chaired the committees are idiots.

Next semester, I'm taking only one course, and it's the independent study in design that I dropped this semester. I have six projects lined up. I can freely spend my time designing and not worry that I have stupid tests or homework. Life will be good then.

The former rant wasn't a prelude to the last paragraph. They just intersected in a common space.

the genius of association

Our brains are built on associations. Smells, sights, touch, words, they can all trigger responses that bring up other thoughts.

While eating leftover szechuan shrimp, I began to think about John Cage. Not sure why. And then Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat came to mind. A light went on: does Johnny Cage have anything to do with John Cage? I think so:

Ed Boon, co-creator of Mortal Kombat, was a Math/CS graduate from UIUC. John Cage came to the university in the late 60s and worked with Lejaren Hiller at the Experimental Music Studios, which, early on in its history, worked partly with the Digital Computer Laboratory (which is under the control of the computer science department).

The coincidences are just too big, no? Maybe it's an homage.

Sidenote: there were a lot of children at Super Wal-Mart tonight, mostly toddlers or younger. And lots of Indian people. And I almost bought 100 hashbrowns.

I came back home with 60. (And a pack of bullet points. Two of you may remember my love of fletching.)

a man’s man

I ventured into Rentertainment today for some Trigun and saw Eric. This is roughly the last bit of conversation we had:

—…There were a lot of people. Did you do anything fun last night?
—I knitted and watched Sex and the City.
—Haha, you took up knitting, huh? … And watching Sex and the City? That's the complete package there.
—Yeah, it's not the most masculine thing.

I also ran into Pete on the way to Empire. The only time I ever see him is on these random trips, so I paid him a visit at Green Street Coffee House (where he said he'd be at) after my meal and we talked a bit. Did a bit of work. Knitted, talked a bit more. He thinks that there's a curse on this campus regarding girls, and I'd have to agree.

It seems that a lot of friends are in the same position I'm in, being broke, single, and uncertain of the future. Not that it should be a surprise; it's still a bit eerie. This is our rite of passage, I guess, to do what we want to do in life while balancing survival. We're totally going to live it up all in debt and alone.

Or not. I'm starting to think I should make my way to Chicago next year. Ryan is already there, and Pete and Paige are thinking about moving to the city after graduation. I could be their roommates?

I dunno. I need to focus on Betatasters right now.

It's ridiculously beautiful and cold outside, the perfect autumn day. I want to breathe it all in.

Diovan

He would've turned three years old last Thursday. I miss him.

biryani

Prof. Salim Rashid invented many Bangladeshi students to his house for lunch today. And I, in a favor to my mom, hitched a ride with Nawshi and Imran and went.

I didn't have high hopes for the get-together, but it turned out to be all right. Not ackward. The food was good. My appetite's decreased a bit in the last week due to lack of food and no means to get groceries. And I've apparently lost ten pounds since I last weighed myself a few weeks ago. Still occupying to the same volume, so not sure what this means.

Most of my time was spent talking to Imran, and also to Nawshi and Raymond. I've known them for nearly nine years, so obviously I'm going to my comfort zone. I think I'm going to start working on a screenplay now; Imran and Raymond are serving as impetus.

So my mind locks up. Or doesn't work fast enough. And I couldn't contribute to the conversations that were going on. I don't know how to fix that. Everyone else is more outspoken or charming or wittier than me. I can't compete ever.

And I'm beginning to think that much of what's taught about Islam, to muslims, is just wrong. Or unnecessary. I can't say for sure. There's just a prevailing feeling that people are more worried about going to hell and less so about trying to be genuinely good. And I'm the opposite. I don't think the thought of hell has scared me. There shouldn't be a reason to fear.

hello, world

Mach-2. Dangling skeletons. Elohim as humans having full use of their brains, located in the center of the universe, as ‘gods’. Want of a vampire's cape, for fashion, security, and warmth. Dim lights. Hum. Cold. Headache. Bored. Hunger. Dreary day. Watching nine-pins in the mountains where the thunder is made.

AHHH (2)

Andrew was regaling me with various interesting facts (which he has much of) and mentioned that ‘Jehovah’ was a misinterpretation of YHWH. So I said, jokingly, that people might as well say ‘Toby’ instead of Jehovah.

He then remembered a site that Jakob had shown him in the past. He looked up his name, then mine, and then Toby's.

Holy shit. On multiple levels.

Addendum. Toby has just found out that his middle name, John, also derives from YHWH. And so he's now acting quite the fool, singing out ‘Yahweh Yahweh Yahweh’ to the tune of that ‘Money money money’ song.