An unexpected run-time error caused a premature death for the original version of this posting, so we’ll all have to make do with this cheaper, generic replacement. [Side note: due to that strange occurrence, my practice of constantly hitting the “save” button is now borderline obsessive-compulsive. Seriously, I’ve saved this document like 5 times already!] It’s strange/refreshing to see my name on a website that doesn’t have any combination of the words “goat”, “midget” or “sex” in the title.

After scamming the government out of $11,500 yesterday, Lance is off to buy a new car (new to him, anyway). If I time and reader attention-span were not obstacles, I’d write a moving tribute to his soon-to-be-former car.

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists played last night at the Echo in Echo Park, and I was in attendance. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I had a great time. For those not familiar with the work of Ted Leo, check out his latest album Hearts of Oak, and its predecessor, The Tyranny of Distance. And now we’re off to haggle with Armenian car salesman. Cheers!

The things that pop into your head after 7 years of use.

Introducing Derek.

Fucking stupid.

I'll save the attempt at an analysis for another day, though it's already haphazardly written. Nothing that hasn't already been said at one point or another.

Bottom line is that it's been bugging me for the past five years, and I don't know how to change that.

Blah blah. No excuses, no apologies. Just aggravation right now. Self-hatred. Maybe a lobotomy will fix everything.

Hello to anyone reading this, and welcome to my musings and incoherent ramblings. Some of you reading this might actually know me from the "real" world. By which I mean, you've actually met me in person, hung out, shared intravenous drugs, etc. Others may only know me from online, and odds are, most of you don't even know me at all-you just clicked on the wrong link on Kaiser's site. You are the lucky ones! Let me start by sharing a little about myself, much like those horrible ice-breaker games that over-eager TA's like to play on the first day of discussion class. [Side note: I really hated those games. I was always torn between saying the most outlandish things I could think of, or just being completely bland and boring. It was either, "Hi I'm Derek, I hate political science (my major) and I have webbed toes!" or…something far less interesting. Anyway, I never made any friends in any of my classes in my entire 4.5 year college career, except for one guy, and I'm pretty sure he was gay. And interested in me.]

So now, a little about me and what I want to do with this thing. (I really really really don't want to call it a journal. I don't want to be one of those kids.) The short answer is: "I don't know." My secret dream is to be a writer-novels, screenplays, hallmark cards…I'll take what I can get. Aside from the papers I wrote for my poli sci classes, I haven't really written anything in the past few years, except for a disturbing children's story about a squirrel named Oliver.

Sooooo…since I want to "write", I thought it would be a genius idea to actually write something on a regular basis. And thus the idea for this site was born. I guess more than anything what I want to with this project, (again, definitely not a journal. Or blog. Or whatever) is just to have a place to use a creative outlet. To that end, some days, I might post things that resemble journal postings. Of course, since this isn't a journal, they won't be journal postings. They'll be…project postings! In any matter, I'll talk about myself and what's new with me. For instance, I might mention that I have a rash on my no-no spot, and it burns when I pee. I'm quite the catch, ladies. Other days, I might just post an excerpt of some random story idea I thought up while on the toilet. I'm really not kidding about that, 75% of all my ideas come on the toilet. The other 25% come in those last fleeting moments before sleep. Consequently, most of my ideas end up A) flushed down the toilet, metaphorically speaking, or B) forgotten about the next morning. Somehow, this idea stuck in my head, most likely due to the often gentle, sometimes violent, proddings of my friend and "adopted brother", Lance. Overall, I'd like to keep the pretentiousness level to a minimum, so I'll avoid (incorrectly) using terms like post-modern. And although I might talk about books, music and movies that I like, if you love V.C. Andrews novels and listen to Megadeth, that's ok with me too. [Side note: actually, if you are, or know of such a person, please get in touch with me...so I can render you incapable of reproduction] Ok, that's enough with the introductions, I'd rather reveal more about myself through my postings.

So, (for those of you that do know me), when we last left our hero, he had just graduated from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign with a degree in political science. Harboring a sneaking suspicion that his degree was near-worthless, a suspicion fueled in part by the numerous vacant looks and "oh…that's nice" comments he received when mentioning his major, our hero had decided to roll the dice, so to speak, and leave behind his homeland of Illinois for the sunny, washed-out, concrete jungle of Los Angeles, CA. Accompanied by his trusty sidekick Lance, our hero set out on an adventure across America. Suffice to say, it was indeed an adventure, and I, er…"our hero" narrowly avoided death on more than one occasion. All in all, it was a great time. Friends were made, and quickly forgotten, and a good time was had by all involved. I'll probably go into further detail of exactly what happened at some point in the future, (although since drinking was not only encouraged, it was required, some of the "details" may be a little hazy.)

So I've been in LA for about 1.5 weeks now, and I don't have much to show for it. I finally applied for a few jobs today. One for an assistant position with a production company, another for an assistant/trainee position with a talent management agency. . Experience? I have none! Supposedly, these are "entry-level" positions, so I might still stand a chance of being hired. [Side note: Fax machines are fun. Faxing cover letters and résumés is more fun. Getting hired would be the most fun!)] For me, the hardest part was writing that first cover letter. Now that I have that finished, it should be easy to adapt it to fit new companies as jobs come and go. Also, much thanks to Kaiser for helping to edit my résumé yet again.

In the meantime, what have I been doing? Well, I've been hanging out in a place called Burbank, CA. For those not in the loop, Burbank is like the red-headed step-child to Hollywood, yet it's nicer, and cleaner. I've heard it referred to as the "porn capital of the world", due to the large amount of porn production companies located in the city…if the job search really gets desperate, I'll keep that in mind.

So, I've been in Burbank, mostly in the area around the monstrous "Media City Center", which is a fancy name for a mall. Besides the typical mall stores housed in the Media City Center, in near vicinity to this monstrosity are stores such as, Virgin Mega store, Ikea, Barnes and Noble's (who are not hiring right now, sorry), Urban Outfitters, and countless restaurants, shops, boutiques, coffee shops, etc. This is a hip place to be.

Also nearby is a very large AMC theater. Outside this theater, there are men who hand out passes to movie test screenings. I've talked to these guys quite a bit, and I think they're sick of me. But with no job, and not wanting to spend a lot of money, free passes to movies that aren't even out yet sound like a pretty cool thing to do. And it would be, if they had any movies that I wanted to see. Who wants to see Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, the inexplicable sequel to the 80's favorite?? Not me. The did have passes to Club Dread, the second movie by Broken Lizard, the guys who made Super Troopers, but I had prior engagements that night.

Yesterday, Lance and I approached the guys yet again asking what they had. The looks on our faces when he mentioned Dirty Dancing yet again probably rivaled that of a person watching a very special episode of Golden Girls, where the girls go to a nudist colony. Realizing we were far from the target demo for that pile of trash, he offers us an alternative. Mean Girls. Starring Lindsay Lohan, Lacey Chabert and SNL's own Tina Fey. Despite the fact that this movie is most likely a stunning shit-fest, of unparallel proportions, Lance and I decided to pick up passes for the movie, mostly because Lacey Chamber is hot.

A few minutes later, we're walking through the Media City Center and in a rare moment of fore-thought, I realize that everyone I would want to go to this movie with is probably going to be busy at the time it's showing. Lance agrees, noting that he probably would not be home from work in time to go either. Saddened, we toss our passes into the garbage.

Cut to 45 min. ago: I realize that 1) my girlfriend in fact, does not work tonight. And 2) Lance calls, stating that he got off work early, so he would have been able to go after all. We both think back to the discarded passes in a trash receptacle outside of the Media City Center. Would it be worthless to go back and root through the garbage? Most likely. Goodbye, Lacey Chabert. A single tear rolls down my cheek. The End. Roll Credits.

Well, this first posting was a long time coming, but I'm glad I finally did it. I don't know if my journal project postings will always be this long, so don't get greedy. Also, don't forget to comment!

‘Is this meant for me or someone else?’ I ask Bernita, one of the secretaries [actually, I think she's higher up than that?]. ‘Oh, Peter wrote that. Do you know Peter?’

So I laugh and give a positive affirmation. ‘He also wrote something here and on Dan's’, she says, pointing first to under my name, then under Dan's (his timecard is directly after mine).

‘is hot’ and ‘is hot too’, respectively. We laugh more.

I am regretting that I'm quitting, but it's for the greater good.

Steph, thanks for the snazzy photocopies! I didn't realize my way of changing row colors was intarsiatic. I think did it wrong (didn't get your mail until after I'd done the coloring), though, because the middle strip of blue and the top strip of white are offset like half a row at the joins. I'm gonna give the skull wristbands a go this weekend.

I had a dream that MC Chris was in the newspaper, and that he was actually a girl, and that she was beaten. Not evergreen.

The only reason a shot glass fell into the garbage disposal is because either a roommate shorter than me (most likely) or a roommate taller than me put it in that sink. Please tell me the last time I took a shot in this apartment? Because I think the count is 0 right now. Just for the record.

I don't want to walk to work.

I'm finally knitting something for myself. It's a cap, following the simple yet nice k3p1 pattern I've grown accustomed to. It's a sort of darkish metallic blue. I like.

The first two hours of work today were hard. I wanted to just sit or lie down. Did the hazelnut/irish creme mocha during break do anything to snap me out of it? Or was it a placebo? Whatever. I have to stop buying them. Such a waste of money.

I have two Gevalia coffee machines in the apartment. And an espresso machine.

Sleep… This journal goes through themes. Everyone's does, right? Out of body.

My cap and scarf will be called Melkor and Manwë, respectively.

I am tired. I'm almost always tired. I have a neurologist appointment in a couple of weeks.

I also have a new job. Not sure when I'll start, but I put in my ‘notice’ today, and I won't have to wake up so early come next week. Hopefully Alan can find a replacement.

And then I gave him a smile. And a hug.

And then I hugged Toby. And I heard ‘Winter month novelty’ playing from his computer. And I hugged him again.

And then I sent a hug out east.

There are some neat looking books.

I hate the term ‘postmodern’. Hannah should be shot for having mentioning it in any significant context. I still don't know what it means, nor do I care. It's useless jargon. After the fact. It should burn.

Die. Word. Down.

The discovery came when two Belgium swimmers crossed the Dead Sea and bumped into a glass jar. In it, they found a freshly preserved human heart – no special fluids, no dehydrated remnants. Carbon dating proved it to be well over 20,000 years old.

Countless tests were conducted on the heart, as it clearly baffled all scientists. But it was the creative musings of a Bengali street beggar/performer in Manhattan, whom one prominent scientist happened to eavesdrop on, that held the answers.

Parallel Antibacteria Substrate-3 (PAS3), these nanomachines are called, serve as the basis for this most wonderful phenomenon. In a pinch, PAS3 bind to whatever ‘uniform’ solid or liquid they're injected to, and react with what scientists can only speculate as being ‘heat molecules’ – invisible, discrete packets of energy which are the byproducts of things such as friction or combustion. Through this reaction, the heat is absorbed and possibly converted into energy to fuel the PAS3 units.

By absorbing a fixed amount of heat, these machines can regulate the temperature of its host to whatever coolness is required. They are only useful for fixed to moderately varying temperature conditions, thereby making its use somewhat limited.

Scientists have not yet been able to analyze the complex and intricate circuitry that makes the PAS3 work, but the world is waiting anxiously. The implications of such technology are beyond the scope of anyone for many years to come. Now is a great time to be alive!

David Cross is funny:

‘…I'm gonna go to LA, I'm gonna show the world what I got’, and they get here and they're so overwhelmed. There's a premier! And there's E! Entertainment News! And there's, look at th-, oh! Look at the stars and everything! And they just know they're gonna make it! Then, you know, cut to six months later when it's like, ‘[deep breath] ok, just don't…get it in my eye?’

[snip snip snip]

So I was, um, I was in New York for September 11th. Or as I like to refer to it, uh, the week football stopped.

So, files stored on the hard drive are stored in atomic units called clusters. Cluster sizes vary from system to system – let's use 4K as our cluster size for this explanation. If we made a 100 byte file, 4K of actual disk space would be used up, since that's the smallest unit of storage.

Now, if the hard drive is empty and files are copied onto it, the files will most likely be stored in continuous clusters. When the files need to be accessed, they will be accessed fast because the disk head doesn't have to search different parts of the hard drive.

Over time, as files are added, deleted, and modified, files will less likely be stored in continuous clusters. Reading from the hard drive takes longer because the disk head has to hunt for all the pieces of the file. This is fragmentation.

Defragmentation reorganizes the clusters so that files are continuously stored again, improving the general performance of the machine.

Is that better?

My raspberry incense is making me want banana bread for some reason.

I'm hating my sleep habits. Ryan visited yesterday and I didn't spend much time with him because I felt tired and, at one point, nauseated from a nap. Blah. Hate me. (But at least I finally finished his cap! The magic loop technique is tedious.)

That is by and far not my savior from debt, but it's a positive income at the very least. I have yet to hear anything positive from the six other positions I've applied and shown interest for, and that's a bit disheartening. Can't give up, though. No.

I bought a Cookie Monster today. Much too sweet. Unfortunately, my Cookie Monster partner was not within reach to share it with.

I must learn to not get annoyed with my parents. It's not fair of me.

Tired, tired, tired. Possibly one more night of solid sleep before restless nights start up again.

Here's to an eventless Friday night.